Thinking Out Loud

This morning I have been thinking about the reoccurring topic right now of the "Perfect Mom." Last Sunday in Relief Society we were talking about this. Many times in society the illusion of motherhood is everything is going to be perfect and if its not you are inadequate. If anyone has been a victim to that it was me.  In my head I thought I was going to wake up every morning and it would be bliss.  That I would be happy and content with waiting on my baby hand and foot.  When Tatum was born that illusion couldn't have been further from what I really felt.  I never expected in my wildest dreams that my trial was going to be Postpardum Anxiety OCD.  I remember looking back and reading articles on others that had come out of this and would think to myself, "That is never going to be me. I am always going to be stuck here."  But today I am in my own apartment, waking up in the morning, getting Tatum, opening the blinds, listening to music while fixing breakfast, bathing Tay and putting her down for a nap and so on.  Some days are harder then others, some feel lonelier then others and some days I have to deal with anxiety and talk myself through it..  But I am doing it and I couldn't be more grateful for that.  I look back at that time and couldn't imagine how hard that was for my sweet husband. I couldn't imagine being in his place and being as graceful as he was. He was my relief when he came home and made me laugh and remember glimpses of me. He was my comforter when I felt so scared. He never lost hope or confidence in me.  His support and priesthood blessing helped me have strength to press forward.  The support that I had from him made the healing process a lot faster. He was their for me in ways that no one else could have been.

With all that being said sometimes I think in life we imagine how things are going to go especially with motherhood.  We set our expectations up to the perfect mom that we see in others but that is the worst thing we could do. I am learning to be okay with not being "Perfect."  I look at Tay and try to be the best mom that she needs by being me and pray that's is good enough. But at the end of the day that's all we can do.  Not compare ourselves to every other Mother that seems to have everything put together.  But seeing ourselves in Heavenly Father eyes and seeing our successes with our children that he sees.  One of my Priesthood blessing that my Dad gave me said that I have done enough in Heavenly Father eyes. It was amazing to hear that.  My dad has a wonderful gift of giving blessing. 

Today their are many times that you look at a picture of a mom with her baby and think her life is glamorous and yours fall short but the truth, like my wise sister Niki said, most moments with a mom and daughter are in private and can't be captured by a picture.  When Tay was born I remember feeling so overwhelmed to create that but now being in my own place I love creating those everyday.  I love that little girl with everything I have, even when she slept with me last night and her cute little feet were in my face.  Being a mom has been a journey for me and honestly at times has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced but the minute I let go of my expectation to be perfect it has been so much better!  By the way Tay is walking everywhere!! I love it!