When I was 8 months Pregnant I had an experience that I thought would never come true. Thanks to the man in the orange hat, blue jacket and khaki shorts it came true. I will never forget this day, it will forever be in my mind. As I am about to write this down it will be the first time I say how I feel without being nice and kind.
It started out as a normal morning. Garrett getting up, going to work, kissing me goodbye, gathering his things and shutting the door. A few minutes later I heard familiar sounds. Some-one going through the cupboards in the kitchen and opening and shutting things. Not being fully awake, laying in bed I figured it was my husband. After hearing these noises for a little longer than the norm I called out my husband name twice. There was no answer.
I then sit up and heard my door crack open to the man standing in my bedroom doorway. At the moment I froze for what seemed to be 5 minutes. I didn't know what to do or think. At first I was blank, thinking nothing. Once he saw me he ran out the door. Dumbfounded I waited for a little bit, got up and came out. I looked outside my door to see that my deadbolt bent back and the door frame. I then proceeded to get a hold of my husband, he came home. It was at that moment that all the "what if" came flooded to my mind. It was at that moment when I realized that my biggest fear from when I was a little girl came true. An intruder in my home. I felt violated and vulnerable. A feeling that I had never experienced or felt in that way my whole life. After calming down I called the police. After the police left my home I called my sister Niki and said I don't know if I can stay here. The next day we had packed our things and moved to Niki's.
A month later I had my baby girl Tatum. She was born on November 21, 2011. I had her at the Methodist hospital in Houston, Texas. The memory of the hospital was not a very pleasant one for me. It represents a lot of pain for me and another security that was taken away from me. After I had her I got to be with her for what seemed to only be a little bit before they toke her in the Niku and discovered she was having Jaundice. Tatum and I had different blood types which complicated the Jaundice. They proceeded to tell me she needed to go under the lights that whole night. After two days of being in the Nuki and not improving we were told she needed to go to peds and do more photo therapy. Spending most of her time doing photo therapy with no blankets swaddling her, just a diaper and goggles covering her eyes, having to beg to nurse her or take her out from under the lights to hold her was heartbreaking for me. I would look at her and think to myself this isn't how its suppose to be. Well this was going on I felt overwhelmed, scared, helpless and worried. My expectation of being able to hold this perfect baby in my arms and nothing happening to her was not met. I once again felt vulnerable in a way I had never felt. I remember looking in the mirror in the hospital and not even recognizing myself. I was so emotionally drained.
After spending Thanksgiving in the hospital which is not what I wanted we finally got to take our baby girl home to my sisters. I never felt like I got to settle down because we had to take her in everyday to get tested and if she got to high she would have to get readmitted. Everyday I felt like she was going to be taken away from me. My expectation of taking home my baby to my own home in her cute decorated room and having her all to myself was once again not met and was hard to adjust to. After about two weeks I had discovered that I needed to have a DNC. Another thing that had not gone according to plans. My family had come to Houston for Christmas. Garrett, Tatum and I stayed in a hotel. While we were in the hotel Tatum was crying and not settling down, I couldn't figure out what to do. It was at that moment when I had noticed I wasn't snapping out of things. I remember giving her to Garrett, going out in the hall and sobbing thinking, "I hate this." I was so confused and felt so much guilt I didn't know what was going on so I didn't tell anyone. All I thought was something wasn't right. I had continued to just ignore things and go on with my life hoping things would change or I would snap out of it.
After Christmas we had moved to Utah and lived with my parents for about 3 months. We found a place in Provo. It was everything I thought I wanted. A cute little basement apartment in a student ward. Things were going okay until one day I was sitting in Tatum's room and I hear some one banging at the door yelling, "LET ME IN". I then heard what sounded like banging against things. I put Tatum down and came to the front room. The memory of the break in and all those feeling felt so real again. I called Garrett really upset and he came home. That was when things starting changing. Everyday day I got up alone I felt scared. Every time I was in the bathroom bathing Tatum I would look behind my shoulder hoping there was no one behind me. Every time I laid in bed with the door cracked I would remember. Every time I would wake up to feed Tatum in the night I would feel alone and scared. Everyday I would want to not be home and have my mom come get me because I didn't have a car. I felt stranded and alone. At this point I had still not told anyone, trying to be strong, hoping it was going to go away. Eventually I had gotten to the point where I couldn't eat and felt very weak and ill. At this time I was nursing which did not help. I started noticing a change in me where my feeling toward my baby were not right. That was the biggest security that could ever be taken from me. My thoughts and depression started consuming me and my everyday life. One day I looked around me, my house being a mess, me still not ready, my baby napping, having no energy for life and hating it. I looked around me and realized my world of always being invincible and strong was falling apart. I had never been in that dark of a place before in my whole life. The next day we had church. I was sitting there trying with all my might to get the thoughts and depression away and replacing everything with the spirit. I couldn't. I turned to Garrett and said "I can't do this." That's when I came home to my mom and knew I needed help. My mom knew immediately something was wrong. I have never felt more depressed, confused, lonely, scared and helpless as I did that day. After talking to therapist and doctors I had realized I was suffering with severe anxiety and Post Partum Anxiety OCD which is different from your general Post Partum. The pain and exhaustion was nothing that I had ever felt. I felt like I didn't know myself. At that point by mom never left my sight. She became Tatum's mom for a few months until I got stronger. She would give her baths and I would sit and watch. She would bring her to me to feed her and then take her. I tried my best to not completely distance myself from my baby. Here she was this Innocent baby, who never cried, smiled all the time, who would even put her little hand against my check when I was crying and give me a look saying, "It's going to be okay mommie." She was so pure and sweet. I felt like such a failure that I couldn't take care of her. I always felt like I fail to short. I wanted more then anything to not feel what I was feeling and just have a normal experience.
So here I am today. My baby is 10 months old. She is crawling and standing all over the place. I have made so much progress and can fully take care of her. I mainly just deal with the aniexty. But there are days that I want to not to be nice and say to that man, my anxiety and Post Partum why did I have to face you? I honestly don't know if I will ever get that answer. What I do know is that you have given me things I could never have learned without you. You gave me the blessing to have the best and strongest relationship with my mom, You showed me compassion for those who suffer, you made me recognize and be forever thankful for my family support, Tatum was in a environment where she was loved by so many, you showed me a new respect for my husband and you gave me Tatum so I could always have the spirit with me. My therapist said one time you will always remember the experience but in time it won't hurt. I am still waiting for it not to hurt. I know with faith and the atonement one day I will understand why .
