I have some exciting news!! We found an apartment and have moved in all our stuff from the storage unit and now just have to move from my Mom's place, that is the hardest step of all. Every since Tatum was born I haven't been doing mom by myself as far as living by myself, except when we lived in Provo for a short time. It was interesting how this apartment came up. Some people might called it coincidence but I call it a blessing. I had an appointment with my wonderful doctor/therapist. I was telling her how I felt healed from the break in and Postpartum Depression but I haven't felt like I have moved on from the fears that came with being a mom to Tatum and being alone with her brought on by Postpartum She looked at me with a smiling face and said, " that's because you haven't done it." My reply was, "I know I need to for my family and I just need to be brave." Her response was "Being brave and having courage doesn't mean you have no fear or that you are not scared it just means you face it and overcome it everyday." In the moments of being myself with my daughter I am trying to be brave. I am trying everyday to overcome. Being alone use to be something I was comfortable with and would even prefer it. Now the feeling of having no one their to watch over Tatum and I physically seems unfamiliar and scary. When I tell my therapist that her response is, "You are never alone. You have your Heavenly Father, your ancestors and angels watching over you at all times." Every time she says that I think of my granny who was fearless it seemed and steadfast in her faith. I find it comforting and pray for her strength everyday. After that appointment I felt empowered and felt like I could finally take that step. My Grandma and Grandpa came down for a visit and told my mom "I think you and Sam have done all you can for Brittany." My home teachers came over and spoke to us about making a decision based on fear instead of faith. As you can tell I was blessed with words of comfort and wisdom all around me. The next day I started looking at rentals. I found this one that was literally down the street from my mom. We went to see it that day. When I walked in it felt right and I felt a happiness that I thought I would never feel again. As I am staying at my parents knowing I need to make this step I am clinging on to that feeling as the anxiety is feeling my mind with doubts. But as my therapist tells me you can be in control and defeat anxiety by always knowing what is real and a lie. I know I am a good mom to my daughter. I know when I was at my worst I did the best thing I could for her. I love my family and know I can fulfill my role in my own house with no one reassuring me. Facing this fear is so hard for me but I know the doubts are lies . I pray for courage and strength. I know finding this apartment was a blessing and Heavenly Father was watching out for me like he has been all along. I am excited for this new chapter that I will have to learn again and be confident in again. I am grateful for the support I have around me. So with all that being said I am going to go to my apartment today and finish organizing Tatum's cloths that are to small, finish the Christmas tree and enjoy my apartment. By the way I am using those space bags that you suck the air out and they collapse for Tay's cloths, coolest things ever!!!
Beautifully written Brittany. I'm so grateful that you are sharing this journey. As I read I often find myself in tears remembering my fears and how I faced them. Sometimes bravely, sometimes not. Your words strengthen me. Partly because I can feel your strength, but also because you help me remember my own. Some things that help me are remembering that I am in control. I get to make the choices that create my life. If there is a part of it that isn't how I want it, then it is within my ability to create it. I know, some things are beyond our control, but we are in control of how we react to them.
ReplyDeleteHas it ever occured to you that your experience in this is impacting others? Some by supporting you, some by learning from you, and some by self-reflection triggered by your words. I know it is terribly hard, but there is also so much good that is coming from your experience.
Be strong, move forward, and love yourself unconditionally.
I love you!
Brittany, I am in awe at your strength still with all that you have been through! I read this and wanted to share one of my favorite quotes with you. Courage is fear that has said it's prayers. My counselor has told me to "feel the fear and do it anyways."
ReplyDeleteI know we have both gone through some pretty crazy events in the last year and to me, despite everything. Despite the pain - Im thankful. I hurt for the lost innocence of my life but I move forward with thanks. I am who I am because of what I have experienced and as long as I remember that I always have a choice in this life no matter what other people think of me I try my best that is all that matters. And each day your best might change from the day before.
Good luck with all the new changes these coming months and remember you always have a Heavenly Father who is just a prayer away. I am glad that you are writing your thoughts and experiences out, one day your kids will be able to look back and say wow, my mom is pretty incredible!