Thinking Out Loud

This morning I have been thinking about the reoccurring topic right now of the "Perfect Mom." Last Sunday in Relief Society we were talking about this. Many times in society the illusion of motherhood is everything is going to be perfect and if its not you are inadequate. If anyone has been a victim to that it was me.  In my head I thought I was going to wake up every morning and it would be bliss.  That I would be happy and content with waiting on my baby hand and foot.  When Tatum was born that illusion couldn't have been further from what I really felt.  I never expected in my wildest dreams that my trial was going to be Postpardum Anxiety OCD.  I remember looking back and reading articles on others that had come out of this and would think to myself, "That is never going to be me. I am always going to be stuck here."  But today I am in my own apartment, waking up in the morning, getting Tatum, opening the blinds, listening to music while fixing breakfast, bathing Tay and putting her down for a nap and so on.  Some days are harder then others, some feel lonelier then others and some days I have to deal with anxiety and talk myself through it..  But I am doing it and I couldn't be more grateful for that.  I look back at that time and couldn't imagine how hard that was for my sweet husband. I couldn't imagine being in his place and being as graceful as he was. He was my relief when he came home and made me laugh and remember glimpses of me. He was my comforter when I felt so scared. He never lost hope or confidence in me.  His support and priesthood blessing helped me have strength to press forward.  The support that I had from him made the healing process a lot faster. He was their for me in ways that no one else could have been.

With all that being said sometimes I think in life we imagine how things are going to go especially with motherhood.  We set our expectations up to the perfect mom that we see in others but that is the worst thing we could do. I am learning to be okay with not being "Perfect."  I look at Tay and try to be the best mom that she needs by being me and pray that's is good enough. But at the end of the day that's all we can do.  Not compare ourselves to every other Mother that seems to have everything put together.  But seeing ourselves in Heavenly Father eyes and seeing our successes with our children that he sees.  One of my Priesthood blessing that my Dad gave me said that I have done enough in Heavenly Father eyes. It was amazing to hear that.  My dad has a wonderful gift of giving blessing. 

Today their are many times that you look at a picture of a mom with her baby and think her life is glamorous and yours fall short but the truth, like my wise sister Niki said, most moments with a mom and daughter are in private and can't be captured by a picture.  When Tay was born I remember feeling so overwhelmed to create that but now being in my own place I love creating those everyday.  I love that little girl with everything I have, even when she slept with me last night and her cute little feet were in my face.  Being a mom has been a journey for me and honestly at times has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced but the minute I let go of my expectation to be perfect it has been so much better!  By the way Tay is walking everywhere!! I love it!

Chicken Pillows, Bar Soap Ands Ants

Everyone should be applauding because this post is dedicated to me being me again with a touch of humor. I hope you all enjoy!


One night at our apartment while Tatum was playing, Garrett and I were watching T.V. I looked at the time and realized I need to make dinner soon. I proceeded to go into the kitchen and look through my fridge, picking my brain trying to find something to make.  Realizing I had crescent rolls and cream cheese I thought, "Oh yummy lets do Chicken Pillows, oh wait but we don't have any chicken." thought of the next best thing, borrow some frozen chicken from my mom. I asked Garrett, "Hey I need to go crab some stuff at my mom's do you mind watching Tay?" Garrett sweetly responded, "No that's fine"  I grabbed the keys, walked out the door, got in the car and left.  I arrived at my mom's went upstairs, got Garrett's fan to help him sleep and pillows. Then went downstairs got some of Tay's toys, some food for her, a blender, and finally a Ziploc bag and put chicken in it.  Since I am not superwomen and don't have four arms I decided to use Garrett's pillow as a grocery sack so I could avoid making multiple trips.  When I got back home I toke everything out and started making dinner.  Chicken Pillows were finally ready and were delicious!

A few days later my mom came over.  She was sitting on the coach doing computer work and I was doing my normal routine. Well making the bed, I picked up Garrett's pillow.  I noticed their was something that felt rubbery in the very bottom in the corner.  As I pulled it out I saw a light pink almost fleshed, rubbery, dried up thing. I walked outside with this in the palm of my hand to show my mom  and watched her reaction while I was still in shock. She goes, "What is that?" Drum roll please, it was frozen chicken that had fallen out of the Ziploc bag from my mom's house and stayed in Garrett's pillow! Oops I must have not seen that! My mom and I started laughing for a good ten minutes.  Garrett is also very particular about his things which made this even better. How he didn't realize it for three days I do not know! That will always be a mystery.


I made Taco Soup and while I was eating I thought it was hotter then normal. We had company over the next day and before they arrived my mom was helping me make the Cheese soup. I was vacuuming real quick and I see my mom coming toward me. She showed me the cheese and informed me that their was jalapenos in it. Well duh no wonder it was hot! When she asked Garrett if I knew about that he said I don't ever read labels. (He doesn't either.) FYI I also got whole grain wheat thins instead of the really good kind. Grocery shopping and me struggle.


One day I walked into our room and asked Garrett, "Hey their is something that has been itching my upper back all day can you see what it is?" Garrett responds, "What the heck Brittany, how does that even happen?" My response, "What is it." Garrett, "It's a bar of soap." That is a very good question, I don't know how that happened. Possible I toke a bath and it stayed there???  In my defense not that I have one it was very thin. All I know is I almost wet my pants laughing so hard.



I saved the best for last in my opinion.  Garrett didn't have to go to work until later in the morning so I decided to make a big breakfast. Pancakes, eggs and muffins. Garrett was downing the pancakes faster then he could say one word.  He thought they were the best pancakes I had ever made.  After getting his made I sat down to eat mine.  While pouring the syrup out of the bowl I looked at the residue of the syrup. Me, "Garrett what are those black dots?" Garrett, "Oh my gosh that's disguising, those are ants." I once again die laughing and look in the bowl and bottle of syrup. Their was not just a couple, a few, a dozen their was a lot. That day we added a new item to the Sinclair menu, Ant syrup pancakes!

Everyone is probably thinking how does any of this happen. Well its happens to me all the time but I love it.  It makes me do my favorite thing, LAUGH! It makes my days brighter and happier. So if you ever think your having a bad day just ask yourself, "Did I have thawed out chicken in my pillow and sleep on it for three days, soap on my back or eats ants?" If the answer is no, then your having a great day and if yes you have the opportunity to laugh your heart out!

Facing Fears

I have some exciting news!! We found an apartment and have moved in all our stuff from the storage unit and now just have to move from my Mom's place, that is the hardest step of all. Every since Tatum was born  I haven't been doing mom by myself  as far as living by myself, except when we lived in Provo for a short time.  It was interesting how this apartment came up. Some people might called it coincidence but I call it a blessing.  I had an appointment with my wonderful doctor/therapist.  I was telling her how I felt healed from the break in and Postpartum Depression but I haven't felt like I have moved on from the fears that came with being a mom to Tatum and being alone with her brought on by Postpartum  She looked at me with a smiling face and said, " that's because you haven't done it." My reply was, "I know I need to for my family and I just need to be brave." Her response was "Being brave and having courage doesn't mean you have no fear or that you are not scared it just means you face it and overcome it everyday." In the moments of being myself with my daughter I am trying to be brave. I am trying everyday to overcome.  Being alone use to be something I was comfortable with and would even prefer it. Now the feeling of having no one their to watch over Tatum and I physically seems unfamiliar and scary.  When I tell my therapist that her response is, "You are never alone. You have your Heavenly Father, your ancestors and angels watching over you at all times."  Every time she says that I think of my granny who was fearless it seemed and steadfast in her faith. I find it comforting and pray for her strength everyday. After that appointment I felt empowered and felt like I could finally take that step. My Grandma and Grandpa came down for a visit and told my mom "I think you and Sam have done all you can for Brittany." My home teachers came over and spoke to us about making a decision based on fear instead of faith. As you can tell I was blessed with words of comfort and wisdom all around me.  The next day I started looking at rentals. I found this one that was literally down the street from my mom.  We went to see it that day. When I walked in it felt right and I felt a happiness that I thought I would never feel again.  As I am staying at my parents knowing I need to make this step I am clinging on to that feeling as the anxiety is feeling my mind with doubts. But as my therapist tells me you can be in control and defeat anxiety by always knowing what is real and a lie. I know I am a good mom to my daughter. I know when I was at my worst I did the best thing I could for her. I love my family and know I can fulfill my role in my own house with no one reassuring me. Facing this fear is so hard for me but I know the doubts are lies . I pray for courage and strength. I know finding this apartment was a blessing and Heavenly Father was watching out for me like he has been all along.  I am excited for this new chapter that I will have to learn again and be confident in again. I am grateful for the support I have around me.  So with all that being said I am going to go to my apartment today and finish organizing Tatum's cloths that are to small, finish the Christmas tree and enjoy my apartment. By the way I am using those space bags that you suck the air out and they collapse for Tay's cloths, coolest things ever!!!

All About Birthday Girl!

First Garrett and I admiring our little girl that doesn't seem so little anymore because she turned one!

 

 

Second opening presents. I have to brag on Tay because she was so excited about every single present, it was so cute!

 

 

 

Third the birthday cake. I must applaud my mom and I because this is homemade and all creative thinking. Tay loved the icing! When I gave her her own peace she was quite delicate at first and then dived into it! I don't have a pic to put up but there is one on facebook.

 

 

And finally blowing out the birthday candles and making a wish!

 

It was so fun to celebrate her birthday she was the best birthday girl ever. I am so thankful for her. She has a special gift of spreading joy to everyone around her.  She has always been so in tune with me.  Their was many things that didn't go perfectly around her birth but the one thing that was perfect all along was her.  Her joy of life and love she has is uncanny. She truly is a gift and pure heaven.  Her spirit is so innocent and pure. When we were watching general conference every time they would sing she would immediately be still, listen and sing.  I bet that sounded so familiar to her.  I love how she is talking so much now. She says, "Yeah Yeah" all the time and "baby."  I loved when she says momma or dadda. When she was younger she use to wait in her highchair and go mmmmmmom and yell it at me.  She can stand all by herself and even is brave enough to take some steps as long as you are holding on to her. She doesn't growl as often anymore but use to all the time. Loves her blankets and cuddles them all the time. Love at bedtime when I get to occasionally cuddle with her (her choice not mine.) and is so content and beautiful. Love when I put her in bed, doesn't cry and just plays until she falls asleep. Loves reading books, turning pages, lifting up pop-ups.  Loves feeding herself, being outside, walking around with Grammy doing chores. Loves Grandad glasses and half the time wants him for that. (just kidding Grandad). Gets so excited when I put on barney and giggles. Stuff animals are her favorite along with emptying drawers, shevles and bins. Points to everything she wants.  Drinks from a zippy cup with a straw.  Her personality is so fun! She is so special and is my strength.  I thank Heavenly Father for her everyday and her health.  I can't believe she is one! I can't wait to experience many more birthdays and reflect on the memories every year.

 

 

 

 

 

Looking Back

When I was 8 months Pregnant I had an experience that I thought would never come true.  Thanks to the man in the orange hat, blue jacket and khaki shorts it came true.  I will never forget this day, it will forever be in my mind.  As I am about to write this down it will be the first time I say how I feel without being nice and kind.

It started out as a normal morning.  Garrett getting up, going to work, kissing me goodbye, gathering his things and shutting the door.  A few minutes later I heard familiar sounds. Some-one going through the cupboards in the kitchen and opening and shutting things.  Not being fully awake, laying in bed I figured it was my husband.  After hearing these noises for a little longer than the norm I called out my husband name twice. There was no answer.

I then sit up and heard my door crack open to the man standing in my bedroom doorway. At the moment I froze for what seemed to be 5 minutes. I didn't know what to do or think.  At first I was blank, thinking nothing.  Once he saw me he ran out the door. Dumbfounded I waited for a little bit, got up and came out.  I looked outside my door to see that my deadbolt bent back and the door frame.  I then proceeded to get a hold of my husband, he came home. It was at that moment that all the "what if" came flooded to my mind.  It was at that moment when I realized that my biggest fear from when I was a little girl came true. An intruder in my home. I felt violated and vulnerable.  A feeling that I had never experienced or felt in that way my whole life.  After calming down I called the police.  After the police left my home I called my sister Niki and said I don't know if I can stay here.  The next day we had packed our things and moved to Niki's. 

A month later I had my baby girl Tatum.  She was born on November 21, 2011.  I had her at the Methodist hospital in Houston, Texas. The memory of the hospital was not a very pleasant one for me. It represents a lot of pain for me and another security that was taken away from me.  After I had her I got to be with her for what seemed to only be a little bit before they toke her in the Niku and discovered she was having Jaundice. Tatum and I had different blood types which complicated the Jaundice.  They proceeded to tell me she needed to go under the lights that whole night. After two days of being in the Nuki and not improving we were told she needed to go to peds and do more photo therapy.  Spending most of her time doing photo therapy with no blankets swaddling her, just a diaper and goggles covering her eyes, having to beg to nurse her or take her out from under the lights to hold her was heartbreaking for me.  I would look at her and think to myself this isn't how its suppose to be.   Well this was going on I felt overwhelmed, scared, helpless and worried. My expectation of being able to hold this perfect baby in my arms and nothing happening to her was not met. I once again felt vulnerable in a way I had never felt.  I remember looking in the mirror in the hospital and not even recognizing myself. I was so emotionally drained.

After spending Thanksgiving in the hospital which is not what I wanted we finally got to take our baby girl home to my sisters. I never felt like I got to settle down because we had to take her in everyday to get tested and if she got to high she would have to get readmitted. Everyday I felt like she was going to be taken away from me.  My expectation of taking home my baby to my own home in her cute decorated room and having her all to myself was once again not met and was hard to adjust to. After about two weeks I had discovered that I needed to have a DNC.  Another thing that had not gone according to plans.  My family had come to Houston for Christmas. Garrett, Tatum and I stayed in a hotel. While we were in the hotel Tatum was crying and not settling down, I couldn't figure out what to do. It was at that moment when I had noticed I wasn't snapping out of things. I remember giving her to Garrett, going out in the hall and sobbing thinking, "I hate this."  I was so confused and felt so much guilt I didn't know what was going on so I didn't tell anyone. All I thought was something wasn't right.  I had continued to just ignore things and go on with my life hoping things would change or I would snap out of it. 

After Christmas we had moved to Utah and lived with my parents for about 3 months.  We found a place in Provo. It was everything I thought I wanted. A cute little basement apartment in a student ward. Things were going okay until one day I was sitting in Tatum's room and I hear some one banging at the door yelling, "LET ME IN". I then heard what sounded like banging against things.  I put Tatum down and came to the front room.  The memory of the break in and all those feeling felt so real again. I called Garrett really upset and he came home.  That was when things starting changing.  Everyday day I got up alone I felt scared. Every time I was in the bathroom bathing Tatum I would look behind my shoulder hoping there was no one behind me. Every time I laid in bed with the door cracked I would remember. Every time I would wake up to feed Tatum in the night I would feel alone and scared.  Everyday I would want to not be home and have my mom come get me because I didn't have a car.  I felt stranded and alone.  At this point I had still not told anyone, trying to be strong, hoping it was going to go away.  Eventually I had gotten to the point where I couldn't eat and felt very weak and ill. At this time I was nursing which did not help. I started noticing a change in me where my feeling toward my baby were not right. That was the biggest security that could ever be taken from me.  My thoughts and depression started consuming me and my everyday life. One day I looked around me, my house being a mess, me still not ready, my baby napping, having no energy for life and hating it. I looked around me and realized my world of always being invincible and strong was falling apart. I had never been in that dark of a place before in my whole life.  The next day we had church. I was sitting there trying with all my might to get the thoughts and depression away and replacing everything with the spirit. I couldn't. I turned to Garrett and said "I can't do this." That's when I came home to my mom and knew I needed help. My mom knew immediately something was wrong.  I have never felt more depressed, confused, lonely, scared and helpless as I did that day.  After talking to therapist and doctors I had realized I was suffering with severe anxiety and Post Partum Anxiety OCD which is different from your general Post Partum. The pain and exhaustion was nothing that I had ever felt. I felt like I didn't know myself.  At that point by mom never left my sight.  She became Tatum's mom for a few months until I got stronger.  She would give her baths and I would sit and watch. She would bring her to me to feed her and then take her. I tried my best to not completely distance myself from my baby.  Here she was this Innocent baby, who never cried, smiled all the time, who would even put her little hand against my check when I was crying and give me a look saying, "It's going to be okay mommie." She was so pure and sweet.  I felt like such a failure that I couldn't take care of her. I always felt like I fail to short.  I wanted more then anything to not feel what I was feeling and just have a normal experience.

So here I am today. My baby is 10 months old. She is crawling and standing all over the place.  I have made so much progress and can fully take care of her.  I mainly just deal with the aniexty. But there are days that I want to not to be nice and say to that man, my anxiety and Post Partum why did I have to face you?  I honestly don't know if I will ever get that answer. What I do know is that you have given me things I could never have learned without you.  You gave me the blessing to have the best and strongest relationship with my mom,  You showed me compassion for those who suffer, you made me recognize and be forever thankful for my family support, Tatum was in a environment where she was loved by so many, you showed me a new respect for my husband and you gave me Tatum so I could always have the spirit with me.  My therapist said one time you will always remember the experience but in time it won't hurt.  I am still waiting for it not to hurt. I know with faith and the atonement one day I will understand why .

Loving What Is

So today I decided that I was going to try my second attempt to start blogging.  We will see how this goes. My last blog was from two years ago and a lot has changed.  Our biggest change is our addition to our family.  Our baby girl that is now 10 months old!  This Journey started on November 21, 2011 for us and what an adventure it has been.  We were living in Houston Texas but packed our things, drove a U-haul with our one month old baby and three days later were in Utah. We are living with my parents. They have been so gracious and kind to let us live with them.  Garrett is attending school at UVU going into information systems and working at good old Pest Control in sandy. He is doing well and is excited to possible find an opportunity to do something or anything for that matter other than Pest Control that will benefit him better for his career. Tatum is doing great! Talking lots and crawling all over the place. SCARY! But so fun. I love watching her world open up and seeing her curiosity growing each day. She says momma, dadda and bababa the most. She loves to growl also and scrunch her litter face and give a big cheeser thanks to Aunt Niki. She loves to clap her hands. She is starting to stand up on things all the time.  Tatum has many tricks and the funnest personality. I am so blessed to have her.  As for me I am doing good.  I am mostly excited for this blog for me to write my healing experience. Has my Aunt Carie said healing is beautiful. My journey of becoming a mother has defiantly been nothing that I expected. I can now talk about the experience I went through and am so excited to share but we will save that for next post. As for now my little family is amazing and means the world to me.  My new motto is LOVING WHAT IS.